Rollercoaster.

Recently my life seems to be in a mess.
Its just like being on a rollercoaster ride whereby i encounter alot of ups and downs.
Sometimes i hate myself for not being able to separate myself from my work and my personal life and this is bad.
Sometimes i hate myself for being so committed and attached to 5B and this is bad.
Sometimes i hate myself for being a teacher and this is bad.
Sometimes i hate myself for having such a soft heart and this is bad.
Sometimes i hate myself for having expectations and this is bad.
Sometimes i hate myself for being too humane and this is bad.

My life, is indeed in a mess. All because, i'm being emotional.
As i grew older, i tend to lose control of my own feelings.

When i first started teaching, although i went in during term 3, I love my 4/2 nevertheless and i can see returns at the end of the year. That makes me want to TEACH.

Then the following year, i started afresh to take up P1/2 and my bond with them was beyond description. Till now i'm still thinking of them. They're fantastic. We enjoy being a class. That makes me decided to stay in TEACHING.

And coincidentally, the nx year, i've gotten another p1, happens to be p1/2 again. Tho i only spent first half of the year with them, they were appreciative and parents were appreciative too. SO, i decided to sign the bond and be a TEACHER.

1 year of study, made me want to do alot.

Then i had a change of environment, to be in this school i'm currently at.

Finally, i was given 3B during my 10 weeks and they really enjoyed my classes and we are still having a strong bond. Everytime i pass by 3B, they will be very excited and i am too.

Then when i am officially part of the family, i was given 4E. A class which is basically weak in everything but are willing to try for everything. Most importantly, we work hard for one another.

Somehow, when i was really happy, things started to change. I was being ask to pick up 5B rather urgently. As usual, it is in me, to love all the classes that i teach so i try to love this class no matter how bad their attitude can be and how much horror stories i've heard about them. And indeed, i think i really feel a strong connection with them although i only spent 5 weeks with them. But time again, i feel so drained and as tho i need to fight a battle whenever i step into that room. This time round, i'm really defeated. Totally defeated by a class that i loved the most throughout my years of teaching. That makes me really disappointed and sad. Now fears overwhelm everything else. My heart died. I fear going in. I wonder when will my agony ends. I'm really tired. Physically and mentally. So much so, i really dont want to step into that class anymore. The more time i spent with them, the more i get attached. The more i get attached, the more hurt i'll get.

1001 things in my mind. Nothing hurts anymore. Nothing. My heart, died.